The gathering of the Juggalos has come and gone once again and I, the Hooded Hoodlum, was fucking geeked about the wrestling this year. Living legends and villains. Heroes and Heartache. A few of the terms that make the JCW world turn round. Let’s not forget the bloody bodies, barbed wire, and thumb tacks too. Four great events over the course of two days was almost too much for this Juggalo to handle, but my wig is still secure in place. Let’s take a look at what happened this year.
FRIDAY NIGHT FLASH LIGHT WRESTLING
Kamala and The Haters teamed up to take on Tommy Wildfire Rich and the Rock and Roll Express. With over 150 years of total wrestling experience in the ring, the rafters were shaking at the foundation. RNR pulled out the win, and The Haters turned on Kamala for his troubles. Weedman came to the rescue of the Ugandan Giant and booked a match for the next night.
Cowboy Bob Orton and Bullet Bob Armstrong. A match has been seen, booked, or even thought of like this in generations. These titans of the turnbuckles clashed skillfully but Armstrong had the crowd with him. Sometimes that’s all you need to get the 3 count and Armstrong pulled a win for his JCW debut.
The Richie boy, Bryar Wellington was back with Geeves at his side to take on Eugene. After staining the ground with his blood, Brian Christopher came to Eugene’s aid. In a double cross Brian attacks Eugene and then proceeds to get lippy about the Juggalos and Corp. Repeat after me: YOU FUCKED UP! YOU FUCKED UP! Corp emerges with a thumbtack bat and books a match for the next night.
HOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! There are two types of southerners. Racist pieces of shit like Tracy the incest master Smothers and his daughter/sister Issabella. Then you got the good ol' boys that just want to party and kick it like Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Put them in the ring together and you got one hell of a match. Needless to say Hacksaw got the victory and Tracy went back stage for some incestual recovery with Issabella.
Gangrel’s back in JCW and he brought a lil’ Vampire friend with him. Awww that’s cute. Kevin Thorne, his glitter covered Twilight Twin. Together these Bedazzled Vamps took on Corp and 2 Tuff Tony in an Out for Blood Match and they left the ring coated in sparkly vampire blood. The ring looked like a tie dyed Grateful Dead T-shirt as Corporal Robinson and 2 Tuff Tony went to celebrate their victory.
ODD BALL WRESTLING
A classic match-type to start of the weekend of wrestling with a Juggalo Twist. Necrobutcher and Mad Man Pondo are old hats at the Death Match scene and Viper and DBA have shed their share of blood for fans around the globe. Add some Juggalo made weapons and you got a death match fit to start off a weekend of JCW wrestling. The blood, barbed wire and thumb tacks flew everywhere as the Monsters of the Mat got it on. Out of the carnage and broken bodies, Pondo and Necro brought it home with the 1-2-3.
Barbwire, Barbwire, Barbwire. We like Barbwire. And we like Masada who made an excellent debut at JCW Friday against Elkview Adams. Masada’s technical skill combined with his natural bloodlust allowed him to get his win over Adams and start off his JCW career on a great foot.
Bull Pain and Ian Bloody have been JCW fixture for many years now. They are definitely two guys that the Juggalos love to hate and throw shit at. With the new and enforced “No Throwing Shit” policy in effect, JCW officials had a great idea. Corporal Robinson and 2 Tuff Tony came in for a Tai Pei glass match. 5 minutes and 8 pints of blood later, Corp and Tony pulled in the win for the JWO.
Officer Cabana had one thing in mind coming to JCW: arrest the Weedman and bring him to justice. Not an easy task to do since the DEA, ATF, FBI, CIA, and the FDA can’t nail him. First he had to take on JCW’s Living Legend Sabu in a First Blood Match. It was touch and go from the start with Officer Cabana almost getting an early win but the Homicidal, Genocidal, Suicidal one drew the Red Mist first to take home yet another when for team JCW.
There are two little known facts about the Ring Rydas. First they are masters of wrestling with Tables and Ladders. Second the really don’t like it when newbies to JCW come in and talk shit. The Daivari Brothers, Shawn and Arari were JCW virgins until they got their shit pushed in by the Ring Rydas. Making full use of the tables and ladders the high flying Rydas sent the Iotola of Asshola and Prince Pussyface running back home to mama. Let’s see if Truth Martini’s tutelage helps out any of his other wrestlers.
What’s an evening of Oddball Wrestling without a freaks and geeks match? Bullshit is what it would be! So we got six freaks and two geeks! Slapped some tights on them and threw them in a ring! After the fur, udders, and limbs settled, Yellow Dog pulled the victory for the Freaks to start off the night!
BLOODYMANIA 4
Officer Cabana finally had his target in his sights: The Weedman. With a heart full of confidence, a stomach full of donuts, Cabana took on the Weedman. This time Justice was on the side of the Juggalos and Weedman remains high and free instead of Blazed and Broken.
A 3-way match is pretty cool. Put Shawn Daivari, Joey Ryan and the Roaddogg in the ring together and you got a 3-way Explosion on your hands. Fucking FRESH!!! The Roaddogg seemed headed for victory but Ryan and Daivari teamed up to beat his ass causing Sabu to come out to save the day. Daivari got the win in this match and was gloating the whole time on his way backstage.
JCW officials love to book crazy tag matches. So we booked four of the greatest Independent Tag Teams to fight it out for the coveted JCW TAG TEAM belts. The Haters, The Ring Rydaz, The Briscoes , and the Kings of Wrestling. Fucking Craziness. First the Briscoes got pinned, then the Ring Rydaz got pinned leaving KOW and the current champs the Haters. The Haters had the air of victory about them until the Kings of Wrestling pulled in 1-2-3 to add another set of belts to their closet. Your new Tag Team Champions Chris Hero and Claudio.
We all know Butterbean is the knock-out Champion. He’s showed the JCW fans year after he’s got Hands of stone. So why would Twinkiehop get in the ring with? Because he’s a fucking idiot, that’s why!!! After a pity punch from Twinkiehop, Butterbean laid him out. Eugene came to Twinkiehop’s rescue it seemed by attacking Butterbean, but who knows what goes on in that nut ball’s head.
Can you dig it Sucka? The Juggalos certainly did when Booker T made his JCW debut with Boondox by his side. Tracy the Smotherfucker had Issabella with him once again to try yet again to further the cause of inbred racists worldwide. Seeing Booker T was going to win, Bull Pain and Ian Bloody ran in to save Tracy, but Hacksaw Jim Duggan was watching and came in to help Booker T get the 1-2-3.
Issabella Smothers got a lot more than she bargained for when she signed on for this match. A lot more! At 7’2” Isis the Worlds Tallest Juggalette, mopped the squared circle with the little redneck whore. Sugar slam was ring side to witness the carnage and Isis remains undefeated in JCW.
Necro and Pondo are deathmatch legends. So are Balls Mahoney and Hollywood Chuck Hogan. Put them in a match at Bloody Mania and you got a Super Death Match on you hands. The match went smooth until after Balls and Chuck Hogan won and Chuck unmasked himself to reveal 2 Tuff Tony! Tony turned on Balls leaving him beaten and pissed off in the ring. Balls then booked a match against Tony for later that night at flashlight wrestling.
It’s time for the main event! Alright check it out. Scott Demore returned again this year bringing Mike Knox with him, Corporal Robinson had Living Hardcore Legend Terry Funk with him, and Todd Bridge, Willis himself, had a masked ninja to do his dirty work. One good potato from Corp revealed that the Masked Ninja was none other than Raven. That mother fucker!!! Corp pulls off a fantastic win but before he can celebrate the Haters run into the ring and beat him and Terry Funk down. Now you and I both know JWO don’t roll solo anywhere. Who better than Sid Vicious to save the day? Two Power bombs later the Haters are sent running and it’s time to spark up and celebrate.
FLASHLIGHT WRESTLING NIGHT 2
Bull Pain and Ian Bloody have been itching for a win all weekend with no luck. So we gave them one last chance against Ronnie Garvin and Hacksaw Jim Duggan. And guess what happened? No win for the Bad Guys. Duggan and Garvin get the 1-2-3 and Bull and Ian go home defeated and pissed off.
Dirty Dutch Martel was supposed to debut against Gypsy Joe. Didn’t happen. Gypsy Joe was shitting his tights and refused to come out so some unlucky scrub was sent out to be decimated in his place. After an old school beat down, Dutch got the win.
The Haters accepted the challenge of the Weedman and Kamala, but their challengers know that the Haters cheat so they brought a homie. Who better than Johnny Richtor to have their back? Kamala got his well deserved revenge and to show he had mad Juggalo love he spoke. That’s right Kamala spoke and smoked the Magic blunt with the Juggalos. He even knew the words to “So High”. On behalf of Juggalos all over….WHOOP WHOOP!
Brian Christopher and Disco Inferno thought with a name like PG-13 they’d get an easy win. By the power’s of the Juggalos, PG- 13 got and then headed over to Drug Bridge to celebrate with the family.
Revenge was on his mind when Balls Mahoney came to the ring with Masada. Tony maybe a drunk but he ain’t stupid so he brought fellow JWO alumni Terry Funk to the ring with him. 2 liters of Barcadi Limon, a couple hundred potatoes, a Tony corona and a meteorite later and 2 Tuff Tony get’s the 1-2-3 and leaves Balls stewing in his own fumunda cheese.
Before he could enjoy the rest of the Gathering, Corp had some unfinished business. Brian Christopher gets on the mic and talks shit to Violent J about getting hit with a bottle. Boo fucking hoo. J brings out Corp and they have some words b4 sending a pissed off angry Corp to the ring. After a well timed Bootcamp, Corp gets the victory and heads off on his golf cart to enjoy the rest of the Gathering.
So there you have it. A quick run down of the wrestling at the 11th Annual Gathering of the Juggalos. Be sure to stick with www.juggalowrestling.com and www.myspace.com/corporalrobinson for all your JCW updates. Until next time, I’m the hooded hoodlum and I’ll see you at ring side! |
